Navigating Grief with ADHD: The Struggle of Object Permanence

Over the past year, I’ve found myself attending more funerals and home goings. The grief has been profound, lingering, and intertwined with the complexities of my ADHD. Amidst the sorrow, I’ve come to realize that attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) plays a significant role in my feelings of loss, especially when it comes to the concept of object permanence.

Object permanence, the ability to understand that objects exist even when out of sight, takes on a deeper meaning for those of us with ADHD. For us, objects extend beyond physical items to include people and relationships. The phrase out of sight, out of mind may seem harsh, but the truth cuts through the layers of our experiences. Individuals with ADHD often find it easy to fall in love and make friends anywhere and everywhere. This characteristic is one of the many reasons I wouldn’t trade my ADHD for all of the world’s executive functioning. However, the flip side of this intensity is the inevitability of losing connections along the way.

Some friendships fade due to unintentional neglect, while others misinterpret our absence as a lack of caring, leading them to move on. What haunts me most is the loss of friends and loved ones who passed away before I could reconnect with them. The promises, plans, and pledges to visit, call, or text – all left unfulfilled. Regret lingers as I question why I never followed through on these intentions. While I wish I could present a list of legitimate reasons to alleviate my shame, the truth is that, as a person with ADHD, my challenges with object permanence have turned my plans into mere fantasies. ADHD offers a unique lens through which we experience the world. Our ability to forge deep connections is a gift, but it comes with the bittersweet realization that these connections can slip through our fingers. The struggle with object permanence leaves us grappling with the consequences of unmet promises and unfulfilled plans.

As I continue to navigate grief intertwined with ADHD, I strive to find compassion for myself. Understanding the impact of object permanence on my relationships helps me make sense of the tangled emotions. It’s a journey of self-discovery and acceptance, recognizing that my neurodivergent mind brings both beauty and challenges to the intricate tapestry of life and loss.

- Jean Tidd